D’var Torah – 12/12/2012
I want to thank Mike Baker for moving the board meeting up a
week so that it doesn’t fall on my birthday and the Torah portion is the same
one I had 47 years ago. Every time I read about how Joseph interpreted the
Pharaoh’s dream, I wonder, ‘how did he do that?’ Where does the ability to
interpret dreams and ‘just know something’ come from. Does it come from the gut
or does it come from the heart? This year, that question has become especially
relevant to me.
As many of you know, this year my disability has become more
significant. I stopped driving my van. It is harder to dress and feed myself.
My hands feel numb and weak. Two months ago, a MRI
showed that the bones in my cervical spine were compressing the spinal cord and
they were unstable. My doctors strongly recommended surgery, without which I
could find myself needing to be on a respirator. They warned that the
instability of the bones may result in my spinal cord being severed. Denise,
and many of my family and friends, fearing for my life, insisted I get more
information. My gut said that this was not life threatening and that as I age I
will need more assistance with or without surgery. My gut told me that
accepting more assistance may improve my quality of life by giving me more time
and energy. Knowing better than to argue with Denise, we embarked to get more
information. Through our contacts with the disability community we found
experts all over the US.
Connecting with at least 8 different doctors, we got at least 14 different
opinions. The consensus was that it is not life threatening or life limiting.
Barring unforeseen trauma such as car accidents or bad falls, the cervical
bones will probably not sever the cord. Most doctors agreed that even if the
surgery was successful, I will need increasingly more assistance as I age. The
opinion I appreciated the most was to follow my gut.
During the High Holidays, Rabbi Mates-Muchin reminded us
that most of us have very different images of God. For me, God is not this big
old guy in the sky but an accumulation of all the knowledge and feelings of
every living thing from the beginning of time until now. I fully believe that
some people are able to communicate with God. However, for me in this lifetime
that is but a spec of time, such communications were never achieved. I attend
services not to pray but to listen, learn and think about the myriads of
stories and ways people throughout history, have created to help us appreciate
what we have and to help us do Tikkun Olam. In November, as I sat in the
Shabbat Minyan Service, I thought about the Joseph Story. For the 1st
time in all these many years, it hit me that Joseph’s ability to interpret
Pharaoh’s dream probably came from his gut. It dawned on me that listening to
one gut may be one way people communicate with God.
Rest assured, I am NOT saying that God told me not to have
surgery. I promise not to hide behind my gut feelings to avoid doing
research. I just find it so intriguing
how we can read the same stories year after year and continue to learn so much
from them.
Happy Chanukah!
